When I Don't Understand

Today brought some hard, hard news for me.

It's honestly hard to believe that so much could happen in a day.

I thought everything was settled... I thought I'd be boarding a plane to Uganda in 120 days... I thought that was God's will... I thought I was sure.

I just don't understand.  

Have I accepted it?  Not really.  Even now I'm trying to work something out for Uganda, refusing to let go of this dream...

Learning that I wouldn't be going to Uganda this summer felt like part of me was dying.  

Just like a death in a family, everything reminded me of my loss.

Christmas songs playing on the radio?

They remind me of baby Emmanuel I won't be meeting anytime soon.

Baby blankets in the little's closet?  

They remind me of the suitcases full of supplies that I won't be taking to Uganda.

The picture of two sweet Ugandan babies I posted on Instagram not 24 hours ago?

It reminds me of the reality that was alive then and is postponed now.  

Walking down the craft isle in Walmart?

It reminded me that I won't be needing to make a countdown to Uganda after all.  

Reading through my Bible?

Reminds me that even though I don't understand, God is in control.

Is it ok?

No, it hurts.

Is it God's will?

If it is, He'll give me the grace to accept it.

But right now, I'm so thankful for those who know me best reminding me of God's truth...

This comment from Gandy gives me so much grace to believe... Believe that God has a plan in this.

She wrote,

..."I know that God has a plan for you and only time will tell what His plan for you is... Right now you must trust His timing and accept that you must get on with your life as you grow into the woman He has in mind....His plans will become clearer as you grow and learn..."  

 Thank God for Gandy... and for Mom who knows that it's like to have formally open doors closed to you.  She told me, "Brittany, you know that when it hurts this badly, God is doing something really big behind the scenes..."

 I don't get it.  This hurts.  And all the same, I know deep down in my heart that God does have something big... right now trusting is incredibly hard, but I know that my Father loves me... and right now that's enough.