One Year in Bulgaria!

One year ago today, I climbed out of an airplane in the snow-covered Sofia airport, bag in a hand and full of excited dreams for the weeks and months ahead. What I didn’t know as we began the last bit of the journey through snowy mountains and frosted countryside, was how the town we were headed to would be become my home, and how the people there would become as dear as family. I laugh to myself as I remember how I initially thought I would be spending only six months here. It took only weeks for me to realize that there was no way I would be willing to give up this dear place so quickly. In this year, I have grown and learned and changed perhaps more than in any other. I am by no means the same girl who stepped off that plane 365 days ago, though I would like to think that this version of her is a better one. When I look back over everything that has gone into a single year – the joys and heartaches and dreams and friendships - I stand amazed and simply thankful of how God directs (and redirects!) our steps when we’ll listen and follow. He has given me a gift beyond what I could have ever asked for in this time.  And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter where in the world I might go in the future, thanks to all of those here who have become my family, I will now forever be part Bulgarian.

Just Breathing

Ah, it is so wonderful to break out of the hectic business of life and press the pause button.  

Mom was right - I'm wired to work, and if there's a project to do I'm first to tackle the job.  Business almost becomes a coping mechanism when I'm missing Africa extra badly. 

Though I was really sick during my last couple of weeks in South Africa, I came back thinking I was ready to dive back into summer business.  By the time I was in the States a week and a half, I quickly realized just how weak and burned out I really was. 

For a gal who usually can't nap at all, I found myself exhausted by midmorning and easily slept for hours.  "You need to get away," Mom said.  "It's the only way you'll rest."  

So after one last bang of business while I prepared to give a presentation about my trip in youth group, I took off for my cousins home in the mountains of Virginia.  What a joy that family is!  

I love them like second parents and another set of siblings, and I have a feeling that the feeling is mutual.  Each one of my cousins have grown noticeably since I saw them last Christmas, and best of all, cousin number 20 has made his grand entrance.  

Little Grayson is a doll, and the three days I spent with the family were full of card games, berry picking, dessert cooking, hiking through mountains, and all kinds of wonderful. 

Grayson wasn't too fond of a photoshoot during his busy morning, but the pictures I captured of him make me swoon every time.  Being around Grayson lessened the baby-ache I've been experiencing since leaving SA, big it is still there.  

Mom spent one night with me in the mountains before returning home, and I found myself deep in thought about my little Huncie the morning she was supposed to leave.

"Mom," I mused, "what do you think it would have been like if I had moved to Africa for my senior year to raise Huncie?  Or what if I could have adopted or long-term fostered her?"  Images of the little one filled my mind and made me long for her to be by my side.  What if, just what if, I wondered, what if I was her Momma, and she was mine?  Though I longed for it, I knew the practicalities and logistics of the idea made it impossible, or at least extremely impractical.  

"Well," Mom said, answering my question, "If you had moved there to raise her, you probably wouldn't have been able to get much, if any school done.  You wouldn't be able to finish your senior year, and you'd become a high school drop-out."

I started giggling and Mom joined in.  She knows my heart for that little one, and as my momma, she knows when to use humor to get a serious point across.  The fact is, I cannot adopt Huncie, and it's not God's plan for me to move to SA right now.  I believe that with all my heart.  

Yet, one can dream, and right now those dreams are full of a beautiful, tiny little girl with huge brown eyes and a smile that has my heart.  

Kissing South Africa Goodbye

A excerpt from my journal on July 5^th, 2016 – 5:46 Johannesburg, SA time

            So funny to think that I’m still in South Africa.  

Even now my grand adventure seems like a distant dream to me, and the reality of it leaves me teary.  Yes, here I sit in the Johannesburg South African airport, yet my heart hurts as I begin to grieve Africa already.  

This is weird to me.  

I’ve known and thought I had accepted and understood the fact that I would be leaving.  I wasn’t really eager to go, but I looked forward to seeing everyone back home.  The many videos, pictures, and trips to the lake made me long for them and for summer.  I was ready to go home,

 ready throw myself into fun, summery things.  

But now I find that my heart is breaking with loss I hadn’t anticipated.  

I miss everyone desperately.  

I don’t want to give them up yet… I don’t want to give me up.  Leaving Africa, I’m realizing, means leaving part of me.  Life wasn’t all bliss and beauty here.  Days were hard and long, frustrated me, and made me want to curl up and sleep to escape the exhaustion of the struggle I was beginning to realize.

  Yet this was my life, my beautiful African life.  The life where I became a little missionary, where I became a stand-in momma to many precious children. 

 I was ready to get away from the struggle, but right now 

I’m missing home, missing Africa.  I want to be back.  

While at the airport, I noticed the African sun setting, and realized it would be the last one I’ll see for a while.  The beauty of it was stunning, as it always is, and out came the camera for a one last photo.  The phone clicked as the photo was captured, and I shoved it into my pocket.  

My smile faded then, and I sat down in the airport waiting room, realizing that my eyes were heavy and my heart was sad.  Yes, I am leaving.  I am leaving Africa, and right now, it just hurts. 

Light in the Darkness

It was such a sweet Father's Day Sunday to be reminded of the father heart of my God...

I found myself feeling quite down with the weight of my helplessness in Huncie's life.  

Thinking much about her as well as discussing her situation with the teachers and others who may have advice only confirmed the utter silence of our voices against the empty ears of the government.  

And this morning left me wondering just what must I do?

And then we took off for church and the Lord encouraged me so greatly through the message.  Based out of Luke 15, the pastor talked through the stories of the lost sheep, lost coin, and the prodigal son.  In each case I saw Huncie's mother being sought after in love by the Lord as he waits for her to respond.  I listened to the parable as the Father saw His son so far off in the distance and ran to meet her with arms wide open.  As soon as Huncie's mother turns and looks toward her Father, I know he will, as He promises, run to meet her right where she is and take her home.
So very thankful for this sweet morning when my Father picked me up and reminded of His love.  He is in control, He truly, truly is.

Under the Weight of Helplessness

Coming to grips with my powerlessness to help Guncie and her family leaves me feeling blocked at every turn.  In fact, I am.  My hands are tied behind my back with an endless amount of  legal tape and government corruption, as we make every possible effort to do something, anything,

 that will truly help.  

Just what do you do when a baby you, and everyone around you, has grown to adore is borderline dying and you can do nothing about it?

Sweet little one, right after a much needed bath. 

That baby girl is so much loved...

Ms. Kitty... this lady has such a wonderful heart and loves this little one to death. 

I believe Guncie's mom has a heart to love her girls, I truly do.  But addiction is a monster to deal with on top of just trying to cope with life each day.

I pour my heart out to the Lord for Guncie's mother, begging Him to save her life and the lives of her girls.  But discouragement seeps in quickly as I listen to the creshe teachers fill me in on the parts of the day that I don't see.  

Just as red tape and government corruption has tied my hands, addiction and strongholds have tied hers.  And sometimes I have to squeeze my eyes shut and push on with life because the fact that an 8 month old baby is the size of a preemie breaks my heart. 

Just pray with me... Pray for these little ones who have my heart, and their mother who I want more than anything to experience the Lord's redemption.  

Pray for Guncie's two-year sister, with a long, beautiful  name that I never can remember, and a sweet little smile I saw for the first time this past week.  She's such a little fighter, that one.  I know God has such wonderful, beautiful plans for her little life.  He has kept her strong and safe in His arms for these two years, and I know that will not change.  Pray with me.  Pray hard.  

Guncie's sister. 

Sweet little one, hang on tight.  

Guncie Update

I met Guncie a mere two days ago, and yet I feel as though she has been apart of my heart and life for so much longer than that.  She was on my mind as soon as I woke up in the morning, and I wondered if she was being fed and cared for.  I have to wait the whole weekend before I will be able to check on her again, and it hurts my heart.

First thing yesterday morning, Mrs. Mimi and I went to buy baby formula and other necessities for Guncie.  I felt like a proud momma as I picked bought starter baby food, bottles, and formula for the little girl.  She is not mine, and can't be.  I know that.  But God has allowed me to be part of my life for this season, and I want to make the most of the time I am given.  The can of formula I bought cost me only about $14, yet would cost a mother the equivalent of about 2 days of working.  After about an hour and half of shopping, we ended up with three bags of baby essentials and went to pick up a friend took off for the creshe.  It made my heart so happy to watch Ms. Kitty looking over the things we bought.  She is the sweetest lady with a huge heart, and loves that baby girl like her own.  

Official mom status?  

Minutes later, Mrs. Mimi and Ms. Kitty went to get the baby, and ended up coming back with Guncie's mom, and two year old sister.  Guncie's mother, Emily, seemed quite uncomfortable sitting with us at the creshe, yet she was gracious and allowed us to bathe and feed both Guncie and her sister.  

It was obvious that the little girls were uncomfortable when they were not right next to their mother, and made me hope that it is not Ms. Emily's heart to neglect her children, but lack of knowing how.  Yet, as Mrs. Mimi explained, young children are wired to love their parents no matter what, and she is probably the only one her girls are around on a consistent basis.  

Ms. Kitty warmed water for a bath as little Guncie worked on finishing a bottle, and her sister and mother ate oranges and "fat cakes" - similar to unsweetened doughnuts.  

I set out new clothes, diapers, baby lotion and soap for Guncie's bath, yet the poor baby was absolutely terrified of the water.  She wailed and arched her back as I dipped her feet into the water, and was so distressed by it that I ended up laying her down on a blanket and just giving her a sponge bath.  Still, she wailed and cried pitifully until we wrapped her up in a newborn size diaper that was nearly too large, and new, warm pajamas.  We handed her back to her mother and she quickly fell asleep, worn out from the stress of the bath. 

After asking Ms. Emily's permission, we also bathed Guncie's sister.  We had set aside clothes for her as well, but forgot to get them out of the car.  I hated to put the clothes she was wearing back on her -   they were so dusty and honestly reeked, but we had no other option.  After cleaning her up, I set her in my lap and breathed in the sweet smell of her now-clean head.  We got another bowl of food for her, which she ate as she sat in my lap.  

She seems somewhat delayed - she never made eye contact, was not very alert to her surroundings, and seemed fairly unaffected by what was going on around her.  The only thing that I could tell she was focused on was her mother - the little girl seemed so tired, yet wouldn't let herself go to sleep.  Ms. Kitty told me she was afraid that her mother was going to leave her.

 A bit later, Ms. Emily stood up and told us that she was going to back to her house, but would come back later.  I watched quietly as the three of them walked out of the creshe's gate and make their way down the dusty red road.  After watching the mother interact with her children, I felt the tiniest bit more hopeful about their situation.  Like mentioned earlier, Ms. Emily never showed any signs of obvious dislike toward her children during the time we were with her, and she did come back in the afternoon as she had promised.  I'm praying and believing for a miracle in Emily's life, for healing and restoration for her and her girls.  As Mrs. Mimi said, it is never the goal to break up the family, but to teach the mother how to be the mother.  

We packed a baggie of formula and starter baby food and gave it to Ms. Emily for the weekend.  Because it is in the baggie, it is harder to sell should the temptation or opportunity arise.  And now I wait for Monday to see my little girl again, while I pray and believe for a miracle on her behalf.  Our God is a God of redemption, and as I was reminded of this while reading Acts 9 this morning.  God spoke to Ananias, telling him to go to Saul as God was in the process of bringing redemption to his life:

"The Lord said to Him, 'Go, for he is a chosen instrument of Mine, to bear My name before the Gentiles and kinds and the sons of Israel..."  

Emily, Guncie, and Guncie's sister are chose instruments of the Lord, and we proclaim healing over them in Jesus name.  

Reflecting

I find myself sitting in a quiet Saturday morning, lacking an agenda, a schedule, and the business I’ve become accustomed to.  

The lack of business leaves me unsure as to what to do with myself, and my mind turns to Guncie.  “How is she?” I wonder.  “Has she eaten since I fed her yesterday?  Does her mother still have the baby formula we gave her for the weekend?” 

My mind continues wondering as I think about the Africaners I’ve come to know and love, and in all honesty, I cannot imagine leaving.  Nearly two weeks after arriving, it’s hard for me to remember what life was like before.  I’ve been thrust into South African life, and find myself completely at home in it.  No, I don’t see myself living the rest of my life here.  Yet I know that God has me here for a reason, and I hope with everything in me that I will be back.  For a year, maybe, or three years, or five.  We will see what God has in store for me, but I feel as though the noonday sun is beginning to peek over the horizon.  The sky is blooming with pink streaks as outlines begin to become visible and the flashlight, though still much needed, is no longer my only source of light (Psalm 119:105). 

 The future is still so uncertain, yet what peace there is in being just where God wants me right now.  Days are long and busy and tiring, yet I love them.  I smile as I finally get a load of clothes washed and cleaned, and then in those clean clothes, pick up a toddler or baby who is wet with urine.  But I hug them close and laugh, because this life is beautiful and I wouldn’t want anything else.  

I sit piled in a car with 19 others, toddlers on my lap and teachers by my side, and I smile as we rumble down the road with the African sun setting in the distance behind us.  And this morning, I’m able to sit and reflect over these past two weeks and I smile as I look forward to many more.  

Yes, there is heartbreak, and yes, there is redemption.  In it all, I’m and seeing the heart of God and praying He’ll grow and use me more than ever.  Little Guncie is His child, and not mine.  And while I will have to leave her, the other kids, and the teachers, He never will.  

My place is here for these five weeks, and it my place may be here in the future.  But He is always here, always with them, with plans for their good and their growth bigger than mine could ever be.  And I think Him for that. 

Just how many people can you fit into a car?

serving with http://notforgottensa.com

It's Going to be Ok

It will, it really will. 

I still don't understand.  I still ache to hold the sweet Ugandan babies at Amani.  

I still don't get it, but it's ok somehow...

I kept thinking of the quote that says,

"When God gives you a 'no', give Him and 'thank you'.  He was

 protecting you from less than His best." 

Thinking about that yesterday made me want to scream.  It was the absolute last thing I wanted to hear.  Reading Bible verse I usually love, hurt.  To read how God has picked us to be His people, called by His name to proclaim the gospel, only made me think of how I had claimed those promises for the Uganda trip - and all that was left of that was my broken heart.  

That was yesterday.

Today I'm ready to look up again, to decide that this isn't going to break me.

The old cliche about life being 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it?  I'm beginning to realize there's some truth in that.

I want God to use this - I don't want me to hinder the Lord working this out for His glory.  

What my mom told my sobbing self yesterday, 

just has to be true.

"God must be doing something really big here.  If He wasn't, it wouldn't be hurting this badly."

Please, Lord, do something big...turn this hurt into something that can be used for you...

I don't understand...but thank you that you do.  

When I Don't Understand

Today brought some hard, hard news for me.

It's honestly hard to believe that so much could happen in a day.

I thought everything was settled... I thought I'd be boarding a plane to Uganda in 120 days... I thought that was God's will... I thought I was sure.

I just don't understand.  

Have I accepted it?  Not really.  Even now I'm trying to work something out for Uganda, refusing to let go of this dream...

Learning that I wouldn't be going to Uganda this summer felt like part of me was dying.  

Just like a death in a family, everything reminded me of my loss.

Christmas songs playing on the radio?

They remind me of baby Emmanuel I won't be meeting anytime soon.

Baby blankets in the little's closet?  

They remind me of the suitcases full of supplies that I won't be taking to Uganda.

The picture of two sweet Ugandan babies I posted on Instagram not 24 hours ago?

It reminds me of the reality that was alive then and is postponed now.  

Walking down the craft isle in Walmart?

It reminded me that I won't be needing to make a countdown to Uganda after all.  

Reading through my Bible?

Reminds me that even though I don't understand, God is in control.

Is it ok?

No, it hurts.

Is it God's will?

If it is, He'll give me the grace to accept it.

But right now, I'm so thankful for those who know me best reminding me of God's truth...

This comment from Gandy gives me so much grace to believe... Believe that God has a plan in this.

She wrote,

..."I know that God has a plan for you and only time will tell what His plan for you is... Right now you must trust His timing and accept that you must get on with your life as you grow into the woman He has in mind....His plans will become clearer as you grow and learn..."  

 Thank God for Gandy... and for Mom who knows that it's like to have formally open doors closed to you.  She told me, "Brittany, you know that when it hurts this badly, God is doing something really big behind the scenes..."

 I don't get it.  This hurts.  And all the same, I know deep down in my heart that God does have something big... right now trusting is incredibly hard, but I know that my Father loves me... and right now that's enough.   

That Moment...

The second my eyes rest on this picture, I'm back in that moment.

I can still feel that sweet little girl in my arms.  

I can still see her sweet little face, and I will forever treasure the moment when her sweet brown eyes met and held my own.  

Even through just glimpsing this photograph, I am overwhelmed with an indescribable feeling of love for that baby girl.  For her, her mother, her village, her country, and the rest of the world. 

To have the privilege of sharing my Lord with the nations of the world is my constant prayer and undying dream.

To change the world for Jesus, one baby, family, or village at a time...  Now that's the ultimate dream job.   #WhereToNextLord?

Learning to Be Still

 

 

"So how are you, Brittany?"  I'm asked.

"I'm great!" I respond, "a little tired because I've been so busy, but busy is great!"

 

You see, I'm a doer. 

My day consists of being productive (aka working, creating, serving) eating and sleeping.

I simply love to do.

 

I'm happiest when I'm very busy "accomplishing" things.

Busy is always best, am I right?!

I sure thought so, but man was I wrong.

 

This past year has been a year of discovery for me, and the discoveries continue.

Let me back up...

There was a time where business was a form of survival.  Thankfully, that time has passed (hallelujah!).

 

But that time damaged me. 

I subconsciously trained myself to be busy with the strictness of a drill sergeant.   I found meaning in being productive, and I found life purpose in doing.

Danger alert!  Danger alert!

Hold everything and back up, this just isn't right.  It's obvious now, but at the time I wasn't even aware of the danger. 

A year and a half of constant business passed. 

During this time, I reprogramed by brain in the area of production.  I got to the point where I despised activities that I believed had no purpose. 

 

Reading is an example.  I used to love to read.  I would read all the time. Some of my favorite memories are of me sitting in bed in the wee hours of the morning transported to another world through the magic of books.

But what did that accomplish?  I would later think.  That was utterly pointless. I have wasted hours of my day sitting here doing absolutely nothing. 

So gradually I stopped reading.

Sure, I did read some.  School books, how-to books, and devotionals made up my literary diet.  All imagination erased in pure productivity. 

How disgustingly bland.

 

Reading is an example, but productivity dominated every part of my day.

So much so that it began to destroy me.

2 months ago when we went on a family trip to Florida, I became horribly depressed.  ON VACATION.

I was miserable because I had to relax and I couldn't always do.

I felt like I wasn't able to fulfill my purpose in life, I wasn't able to encourage others and I was miserable. Again, this was while I was on vacation.  yuck.

 

And then I got super scared, thinking,

"If I'm ever blessed with a really good friend (and I am now, this was back a little ways) how will I ever be able to maintain the friendship?

I despised the thought of just "hanging out", and that's what friends do.

It takes so much time of doing and just being to get to get to know someone well.

How will I ever be able to do that?"

 

I was scared silly.

There was the motivation, I had the willingness, so what was the plan?

I tried to figure it all out.  So what are the steps?  Alphabetical order, please.

Not.

 

 That's when my mom and I had a conversation about it.

"Back when everything was perfect," she said, "God didn't require Adam and Eve to work in the Garden.  He wanted them to enjoy.  He wanted them to enjoy walking with Him in the garden and simply enjoying his presence."

And that's when I clicked for me.

 

Above all else, I want to glorify God.  I nearly always have.  That is my purpose in life, that's the reason why I'm living and why he's kept me alive.

If He wants me to be still and simply walk with him, I WANT to.

 

Then God showed me why he wanted me  to just be still and enjoy.

I saw God, perfect and holy, pleased with his creation.

He had worked to create this for us.  And for me.

He wants me to look around and enjoy it, literally taking the time to stop and smell the roses.

Because that glorifies God.

That makes Him happy.

There I was, flying through life "accomplishing" things.

And there He was, wanting me to stop and enjoy Him and what he made for me.

 

And now I am going on vacation again.

I am going to enjoy living.

I am going there with willingness to stop and walk with God, willingness to be still, listen and enjoy my Father.

Yes, I will do.

I will do things that I love to do, but I am doing them because I love to do them and not to "accomplish" things.

I go to sacrifice my will to God by relaxing and enjoying.

And I have a feeling that its going to be pretty darn nice. :)

 



Taking My Own Advice

"So where do you see yourself in 5 years?  Brittany?"

I took a breath.

I was far from comfortable, but this was my time.

This was my time to face my fear of judgment and rejection,

my time to stand out from the crowd,

 to show God I was trusting him, and I was ready.

All the other girls had given wonderful, ambitious, details of well thought out plans.

They spoke of colleges they wanted to go to, exact courses they would take, jobs they would start to gain experience, exact plans.

They knew exactly what they wanted to do.

Did I?
 

Exhaling, I began.

"God's been working on me," I said.  "In the past I've needed to have all the details of everything I was going to do planned out.  I needed complete control over my life.  I needed to have my plans under my power.  But that wasn't good for me.  Now God's showing me that I just need to trust him.  He's calling me to mission work, but I don't know exactly what that will look like yet.  I think he's shown me some of what I'm called to do, but the for rest he's just called me to just trust him."
 

For a moment the room was silent.
 

Some in the group didn't know how they were supposed to react to my idea, but Alison, my youth leader, spoke up and encouraging me.

I smiled as she began to share some of what she's learned about trust.

 That opened the door for some of the deeper, more meaningful conversations I'd always longed to have within a small group setting.
 

I hadn't done much, but it had been hard to do in the beginning. 

But I had obeyed, and that was enough.
 

Weeks later I sat thinking and planning and, well, Pinteresting. 

As I pinned DIY ideas for homes and children's rooms, I thought and thought about my life and my future.

So many unknowns, so many possibilities.

I simply have no idea of what exactly (within missions work) I'm called to do.

My ideas go back and forth depending on my mood, but I just don't know.

 Once again I try to figure out everything in my mind, tangling myself up in the unknowns.

And then God reminded me.

Trust.

That's all I need to do now.

Trust and wait.

And I will try, it's hard, but I'll try.
 

"Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and he will strengthen

your heart." ~ Psalm 27 : 14

Doing Something for Mabel with YOUR help!

Mabel has been on my mind constantly since reading about her,

and I am not content just to sit back and watch.

I'm doing what I can to help.

 

I'm so excited because I'm able to send her a package with some little gifts in it!

And I'm also thrilled about this...

My amazingly sweet friend, Ashleigh,  is helping me put together a rally for Mabel, and we need your help!

Please, please, please do this:

 

This Monday (March 16th, 2015), take a picture of yourself wearing purple and post it on your social media with the hash tag: #miraclesformabel. 

 

 

 

And please let me know if you are joining us! 

I'm putting together a little scrapbook with pictures of everyone who is wearing purple to give to Mabel, and I've love to include your picture!

 

And...

for those who participate in this rally, there are rumors of a Ugandan jewelry give away going around!

If you would like to be included in the drawing, please leave a comment below saying so.

 

And, friends, pray.

Pray, pray, pray for this sweet gal.

I'm believing in God's promises for Mabel. 

Please pray with  me that this sweet Ugandan treasure gets the chance at life that she deserves.

 

If you're on Instagram, I'll be posting about her under my account @brittanygilbarte

Thank you!!

 

 



Save Her Life

Sweet friends, as soon as I heard about "M" I knew I had to share this with you.

I just can't stop thinking about her, and that's a good thing because I'm reminded to pray for her.

"M" is 15 years old who has lost both of her parents and 

has a serious heart condition which requires a transplant.

She must be adopted in order to be put on the transplant list.

 

Friends, this is our calling!

We are all called to speak out for those who cannot speak for themselves.

I may be only 15 years old and advocating for girl my own age, but I know that this is my calling too!

With Christ all things- as in everything - is possible, and I know that "M" will find a family and regain her health because our God is in control. 

Please, pray for "M".

Join me in storming heaven's gates on her behalf. 

This sweet girl can change the world for the better, but we have to give her the chance.

 

Speak out for "M".

Share this and let's change the world for her. 

 

M is the girl in the purple shirt to the right.

 

Because with God, ALL things are possible!

For more information email info@pureandfaultless.org.



Growing Up

My heart is overwhelmed with gratefulness today.

So much has happened in my life. 

The truth is that God has happened! 

No longer am I the sick, searching little girl I used to be.

I am now becoming the fulfilled encourager, the hope-bringer, and the Christ following woman who I was created be.

 

For as long as I can remember, I  never wanted to grow up.

I wanted to stay an innocent little child,

 always able to hide behind my parents when I was uncertain or shy.

I never wanted the adult, grown-up body because I was so scared of what that would bring.

I didn't want to a separate person from my parents.

And, in all honesty, I didn't know who that person was.

I completely trusted my mom and dad, but could I trust me? 

Could I do it on my own?

The answer is no.

No, I cannot trust me.

No, I cannot do it on my own.

 

But God.

I am now no longer trying to do it on my own, and I am no longer trying to figure out who I am.

I know who God is, and I have personally experienced his healing power.

Because I know who God is, I now know who I am.

I understand myself through him, and I am learning how I fit into his picture.

Now I can trust God.

And I can do life through him. 

On my own, no way!

With God? totally. 

 

 

Naptime Conversations

Ahhh, the joys of being a big sister!

Right now I'm sitting in Bethany and Kaden's room just talking and talking away.

It's naptime, and I'm babysitting.

A wonderful thing about being a big sister is that I can spoil my siblings a little.

Not totally, of course, but I love to do it occasionally.

 

We're talking about my favorite thing - God and salvation.

It started when Kaden had a mini-melt down over going up for rest time.

He came up, but he kept telling me he was mad and frustrated.

I had two choices; I could brush it off and order him to go to sleep (and get the big sister of the year award, of course!), or I could talk it out with him.

I chose to talk it out.

We talked and talked.

I prayed for him and thanked God that his is my brother.  I prayed that God would take away the frustration and anger in his heart.

After praying, Kaden said he was still angry.

I explained that God would take the bad feelings away, if Kaden would let him.
I explained to Kaden had to chose to open his heart to God and allow him to take away the bad feelings.

It makes me so strangely thankful for what I've been through in my life.

Now I have the knowledge to speak from what I've experienced and what God has taught me.

I learned from experience just this past week about opening your heart to God, being vulnerable, and allowing him to come into your heart and heal you. 

I was taught this by the Holy Spirit during a painful spiritual attack I'm planning to post about soon.

 

We talked for so long - we're actually still taking as I type. 

It's an hour past naptime, and I don't really care.  (hope you don't mind either, Mom! :/ )

We're talking heart to heart, and its so worth it. 

It confirms what I've been feeling.

I feel so called to mission work among children, and that what I'm planning to go to college to learn to do better.

Sharing how the Lord has worked in my life is my passion, and I feel so fulfilled and alive doing it.

I want to share what I'm learning with those who are struggling and need encouragement.

There are so many dreams that God has placed on my heart, and I'm so thrilled that they are beginning to happen.

I'm growing faster than I ever have in my life spiritually, and God's been working mightily, healing me of so much.

 

 I want to encourage you in the dreams and plans that you have.

What dreams has God placed on your heart?

What is He calling you to do?

Are you struggling with something, or do you need encouragement, or prayer?

Don't be afraid to ask for it.

Summing up, I'll leave you with this:

 

"Finally, be strengthened in the Lord and in the strength of his power."  - Ephesians 6:10



A Kaden Update

Kaden.

Life with Kaden is so good.  And rewarding.  And exhausting. 

He's always done so amazingly well being home.

He has his days, of course, but all of us do.

He's learning right from wrong, and, like I mentioned in the last post, is our family's police man when it comes to "making good choices" and rescuing people. :)

 

And like any boy,

Kaden gets mad.  He gets his feelings hurts, and he gets sad.

He has needs like other children his age, but his needs are often met differently than the average child.

He needs security, predictability, and love.

He needs those things in ways that other kids don't.

He needs time to pretend to be a baby, and experience the love and innocents that babies get.

 

He needs to know that we will always have food to eat, and that he will never go hungry.

He needs to be allowed to "save" some of his food for later, if he feels the need to do so.

While we let him do that, we also try to stress that fact that it is unnecessary.

He will always be able to eat when he is hungry.

 

And he needs love.

He needs to know that we will always love him.

Always.  No matter what.

When he makes poor decisions, we love him.

When he has to be disciplined, we love him.

When he doesn't get his way and throws a fit, we love him.

Last night Kaden was crying.

He said that he thought I wouldn't "be his friend anymore", simply because he was acting up when it was time for bed.

Kaden, sweet Kaden, I will always love you. 

You are my brother, and nothing you could do will make that love disappear.

 

And so, the "Melt my heart" part of this post:

I have special goggles I use when I swim.

Most goggles hurt my eyes, but these don't.

It just so happens that Kaden loves these goggles.

It also just so happens that Kaden breaks things very easily.

Because of these two factors, I try to keep said goggles out of sight in my room.

Today Kaden found them, and was playing rescue (his FAVORITE game)  with them.

I sat down next to him and explained that those goggles could be easily broken and asked for them back.

Kaden gave them back easily, but got upset.

He started looking for his handcuffs, and when he couldn't find them, he got a rope and pretended to "put me in jail".

Bethany jumped to my rescue and ended up in "jail" (a closet) with me.

I thanked her for trying to rescue me and she said,

"It's ok.  'Cause youse is my favorite sister."

That sure melted my heart, but that's not even the best part yet.

Eventually we got out of "jail" and the little ones went down for their naps.

When Kaden woke up, he went downstairs to find me.

"Brittany," he said, rubbing sleep out of his eyes, "I sorry for bein' mean to you."

Oh.  My.

I quickly hugged him, told him I loved him, and ran up to tell my mom.

"He came in here first thing after he woke up," she said. "He told me that needed to go tell you he was sorry.  He's probably been thinking about it all of rest time."

Even now my mind fails to grasp all of this.

His heart, his loving, trustful, sweet heart... Folks, my little brother is pretty awesome.

Though it's hard to see it some days, Kaden is simply mind blowing.

I need to try harder to step back and appreciate what a treasure we have in our little man.