It's Going to be Ok

It will, it really will. 

I still don't understand.  I still ache to hold the sweet Ugandan babies at Amani.  

I still don't get it, but it's ok somehow...

I kept thinking of the quote that says,

"When God gives you a 'no', give Him and 'thank you'.  He was

 protecting you from less than His best." 

Thinking about that yesterday made me want to scream.  It was the absolute last thing I wanted to hear.  Reading Bible verse I usually love, hurt.  To read how God has picked us to be His people, called by His name to proclaim the gospel, only made me think of how I had claimed those promises for the Uganda trip - and all that was left of that was my broken heart.  

That was yesterday.

Today I'm ready to look up again, to decide that this isn't going to break me.

The old cliche about life being 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it?  I'm beginning to realize there's some truth in that.

I want God to use this - I don't want me to hinder the Lord working this out for His glory.  

What my mom told my sobbing self yesterday, 

just has to be true.

"God must be doing something really big here.  If He wasn't, it wouldn't be hurting this badly."

Please, Lord, do something big...turn this hurt into something that can be used for you...

I don't understand...but thank you that you do.  

Just Like Me

Faces.  Grins.  Smirks. 

Teens sit in groups waiting for a class at a public school to begin. 

Most of these groups could rightly be called "cliques", and those who are not part of one sit alone.

I watch the people around me.

As I do, I realize that, for the first time in my life, I sit among the "popular kids".

Others are around us.

Some are in their own little groups, others sit silently alone.

Oddly, I find no fulfillment in being here.

Instead I find in defrauding. 

The "cool" kids talk disrespectfully.  They curse.  They swear.  They put each other down.

What on earth are they doing?!  I wonder.

But I know.

They are insecure, just like me.

They just express it differently.

When I become insecure or anxious I "hide".  I don't say a word, I avoid people, I put myself down.

They do the opposite. 

They put others down.

They become loud.

Mean.
Annoying.

 

Both responses to insecurity are not right, because both stem from fear.

Fear that has been paid for and should be gone.

My anxiety and all my shortcomings were paid for, and need to go. 

When I become anxious and choose to continue to feel fear, I indirectly and unpurposefully say, "What Jesus did is not enough for me."

 

I don't choose to become afraid or anxious.

But I do choose what I do with those feelings.

 

I am choosing to accept the price paid for me, and live free - because I am.

 

I see people differently.

Every teen has some sort of insecurity. 

Everyone is trying to figure something out, and everyone wants to appear "cool" before their peers.

The "cool" kids are insecure - just like me. 

And the cool kids have an answer - just like me.

But it's up to each one of us individually what we will do with it.

 

Learning to Be Still

 

 

"So how are you, Brittany?"  I'm asked.

"I'm great!" I respond, "a little tired because I've been so busy, but busy is great!"

 

You see, I'm a doer. 

My day consists of being productive (aka working, creating, serving) eating and sleeping.

I simply love to do.

 

I'm happiest when I'm very busy "accomplishing" things.

Busy is always best, am I right?!

I sure thought so, but man was I wrong.

 

This past year has been a year of discovery for me, and the discoveries continue.

Let me back up...

There was a time where business was a form of survival.  Thankfully, that time has passed (hallelujah!).

 

But that time damaged me. 

I subconsciously trained myself to be busy with the strictness of a drill sergeant.   I found meaning in being productive, and I found life purpose in doing.

Danger alert!  Danger alert!

Hold everything and back up, this just isn't right.  It's obvious now, but at the time I wasn't even aware of the danger. 

A year and a half of constant business passed. 

During this time, I reprogramed by brain in the area of production.  I got to the point where I despised activities that I believed had no purpose. 

 

Reading is an example.  I used to love to read.  I would read all the time. Some of my favorite memories are of me sitting in bed in the wee hours of the morning transported to another world through the magic of books.

But what did that accomplish?  I would later think.  That was utterly pointless. I have wasted hours of my day sitting here doing absolutely nothing. 

So gradually I stopped reading.

Sure, I did read some.  School books, how-to books, and devotionals made up my literary diet.  All imagination erased in pure productivity. 

How disgustingly bland.

 

Reading is an example, but productivity dominated every part of my day.

So much so that it began to destroy me.

2 months ago when we went on a family trip to Florida, I became horribly depressed.  ON VACATION.

I was miserable because I had to relax and I couldn't always do.

I felt like I wasn't able to fulfill my purpose in life, I wasn't able to encourage others and I was miserable. Again, this was while I was on vacation.  yuck.

 

And then I got super scared, thinking,

"If I'm ever blessed with a really good friend (and I am now, this was back a little ways) how will I ever be able to maintain the friendship?

I despised the thought of just "hanging out", and that's what friends do.

It takes so much time of doing and just being to get to get to know someone well.

How will I ever be able to do that?"

 

I was scared silly.

There was the motivation, I had the willingness, so what was the plan?

I tried to figure it all out.  So what are the steps?  Alphabetical order, please.

Not.

 

 That's when my mom and I had a conversation about it.

"Back when everything was perfect," she said, "God didn't require Adam and Eve to work in the Garden.  He wanted them to enjoy.  He wanted them to enjoy walking with Him in the garden and simply enjoying his presence."

And that's when I clicked for me.

 

Above all else, I want to glorify God.  I nearly always have.  That is my purpose in life, that's the reason why I'm living and why he's kept me alive.

If He wants me to be still and simply walk with him, I WANT to.

 

Then God showed me why he wanted me  to just be still and enjoy.

I saw God, perfect and holy, pleased with his creation.

He had worked to create this for us.  And for me.

He wants me to look around and enjoy it, literally taking the time to stop and smell the roses.

Because that glorifies God.

That makes Him happy.

There I was, flying through life "accomplishing" things.

And there He was, wanting me to stop and enjoy Him and what he made for me.

 

And now I am going on vacation again.

I am going to enjoy living.

I am going there with willingness to stop and walk with God, willingness to be still, listen and enjoy my Father.

Yes, I will do.

I will do things that I love to do, but I am doing them because I love to do them and not to "accomplish" things.

I go to sacrifice my will to God by relaxing and enjoying.

And I have a feeling that its going to be pretty darn nice. :)

 



Whitey

When I was 2, I begged for a dog.

I was always told, "When you're eight you can get one, when you're eight."

8 years old could come fast enough for me. 

Finally it happened, and now, nearly 8 years into life with Whitey, I can more clearly see the pros and cons of our dog.

Pro:

He's usually a sweet dog.

Con:

He doesn't like kids he doesn't know, and will growl at them.

Pro:

He doesn't bite (usually).

Con:

His growl scares little kids.

Pro:

He likes to snuggle

Con:

He won't usually come when called.

Pro:

he's an easy dog to have around the house.

Con:

When he's mad, he'll raid the trash cans...and our guests suitcases. 

 (sorry about your hat, Pop!)

 

I don't think I'll get another dog after Whitey. 

I've learned that dogs are a large responsibility and take work and time.

I am very thankful, though, that my parents gave me the opportunity to have a dog and learn what it is like.

Whitey is like my baby, and I'm thankful for my him and the learning opportunity he has provided.