Just Like Me

Faces.  Grins.  Smirks. 

Teens sit in groups waiting for a class at a public school to begin. 

Most of these groups could rightly be called "cliques", and those who are not part of one sit alone.

I watch the people around me.

As I do, I realize that, for the first time in my life, I sit among the "popular kids".

Others are around us.

Some are in their own little groups, others sit silently alone.

Oddly, I find no fulfillment in being here.

Instead I find in defrauding. 

The "cool" kids talk disrespectfully.  They curse.  They swear.  They put each other down.

What on earth are they doing?!  I wonder.

But I know.

They are insecure, just like me.

They just express it differently.

When I become insecure or anxious I "hide".  I don't say a word, I avoid people, I put myself down.

They do the opposite. 

They put others down.

They become loud.

Mean.
Annoying.

 

Both responses to insecurity are not right, because both stem from fear.

Fear that has been paid for and should be gone.

My anxiety and all my shortcomings were paid for, and need to go. 

When I become anxious and choose to continue to feel fear, I indirectly and unpurposefully say, "What Jesus did is not enough for me."

 

I don't choose to become afraid or anxious.

But I do choose what I do with those feelings.

 

I am choosing to accept the price paid for me, and live free - because I am.

 

I see people differently.

Every teen has some sort of insecurity. 

Everyone is trying to figure something out, and everyone wants to appear "cool" before their peers.

The "cool" kids are insecure - just like me. 

And the cool kids have an answer - just like me.

But it's up to each one of us individually what we will do with it.

 

Do Life Big (Video)

Going to the beach every year with my cousins, aunts, uncles and family is something we all look forward to more than Christmas!

This year was probably the best year ever, and I loved every minute of it.

It's been a tradition for the past 5ish years that we make a video with all the cousins to play at the end of the week.

This year was no exception!

It was a little different from other years,

but it turned out so well!

It was made up of 8 mini videos all piled together into one.

Do Life Big is one of my two favorites :)

Learning to Be Still

 

 

"So how are you, Brittany?"  I'm asked.

"I'm great!" I respond, "a little tired because I've been so busy, but busy is great!"

 

You see, I'm a doer. 

My day consists of being productive (aka working, creating, serving) eating and sleeping.

I simply love to do.

 

I'm happiest when I'm very busy "accomplishing" things.

Busy is always best, am I right?!

I sure thought so, but man was I wrong.

 

This past year has been a year of discovery for me, and the discoveries continue.

Let me back up...

There was a time where business was a form of survival.  Thankfully, that time has passed (hallelujah!).

 

But that time damaged me. 

I subconsciously trained myself to be busy with the strictness of a drill sergeant.   I found meaning in being productive, and I found life purpose in doing.

Danger alert!  Danger alert!

Hold everything and back up, this just isn't right.  It's obvious now, but at the time I wasn't even aware of the danger. 

A year and a half of constant business passed. 

During this time, I reprogramed by brain in the area of production.  I got to the point where I despised activities that I believed had no purpose. 

 

Reading is an example.  I used to love to read.  I would read all the time. Some of my favorite memories are of me sitting in bed in the wee hours of the morning transported to another world through the magic of books.

But what did that accomplish?  I would later think.  That was utterly pointless. I have wasted hours of my day sitting here doing absolutely nothing. 

So gradually I stopped reading.

Sure, I did read some.  School books, how-to books, and devotionals made up my literary diet.  All imagination erased in pure productivity. 

How disgustingly bland.

 

Reading is an example, but productivity dominated every part of my day.

So much so that it began to destroy me.

2 months ago when we went on a family trip to Florida, I became horribly depressed.  ON VACATION.

I was miserable because I had to relax and I couldn't always do.

I felt like I wasn't able to fulfill my purpose in life, I wasn't able to encourage others and I was miserable. Again, this was while I was on vacation.  yuck.

 

And then I got super scared, thinking,

"If I'm ever blessed with a really good friend (and I am now, this was back a little ways) how will I ever be able to maintain the friendship?

I despised the thought of just "hanging out", and that's what friends do.

It takes so much time of doing and just being to get to get to know someone well.

How will I ever be able to do that?"

 

I was scared silly.

There was the motivation, I had the willingness, so what was the plan?

I tried to figure it all out.  So what are the steps?  Alphabetical order, please.

Not.

 

 That's when my mom and I had a conversation about it.

"Back when everything was perfect," she said, "God didn't require Adam and Eve to work in the Garden.  He wanted them to enjoy.  He wanted them to enjoy walking with Him in the garden and simply enjoying his presence."

And that's when I clicked for me.

 

Above all else, I want to glorify God.  I nearly always have.  That is my purpose in life, that's the reason why I'm living and why he's kept me alive.

If He wants me to be still and simply walk with him, I WANT to.

 

Then God showed me why he wanted me  to just be still and enjoy.

I saw God, perfect and holy, pleased with his creation.

He had worked to create this for us.  And for me.

He wants me to look around and enjoy it, literally taking the time to stop and smell the roses.

Because that glorifies God.

That makes Him happy.

There I was, flying through life "accomplishing" things.

And there He was, wanting me to stop and enjoy Him and what he made for me.

 

And now I am going on vacation again.

I am going to enjoy living.

I am going there with willingness to stop and walk with God, willingness to be still, listen and enjoy my Father.

Yes, I will do.

I will do things that I love to do, but I am doing them because I love to do them and not to "accomplish" things.

I go to sacrifice my will to God by relaxing and enjoying.

And I have a feeling that its going to be pretty darn nice. :)

 



God's Ways Are ALWAYS Best

Mother's Day weekend has long come and gone, but the memories it has left with us will be remembered for a long time to come! 

 

This year we traveled to TVR - Teen Valley Ranch - a place that holds many memories for me.

 

My first year there, in 2012, was very bittersweet.

As a family, we were trying to heal from the loss of our two referrals (before Kaden and Bethany) and I was having a very hard time.

 

That year I honestly didn't enjoy the camp. 

I was waaay too shy to approach any of the few girls my age who were at the camp then, 

so I stuck to the shadows and stayed off by myself or with my parents.

Our last night I climbed up the hill to our cabin in the dark. 

I heard kids shouting in the gym, adults singing in church, and teens talking in the Chalet.

I felt alone, but I wasn't.

I sat quietly in the rocking chair and began to pray.

I could feel God around me as I sat, and my heart began to trust that his ways ARE truly best.

That night I dreamed of an African woman having a baby,

and, as I later found out, that was just about the time Bethany was born. 

God's ways are AWAYS best.

 

This year I returned to TVR with my family, my entire family including the two African treasures I prayed for that night.

And this year was completely different.

I loved being around my peers this year, and I made friends with some awesome, awesome gals.

I even learned how to say, "Hi, how are you?" In Amharic. (thanks Selba and Mectis!)

This year I went to TVR healed, I am reminded that God's ways are ALWAYS best. 

Always.

 

Taking My Own Advice

"So where do you see yourself in 5 years?  Brittany?"

I took a breath.

I was far from comfortable, but this was my time.

This was my time to face my fear of judgment and rejection,

my time to stand out from the crowd,

 to show God I was trusting him, and I was ready.

All the other girls had given wonderful, ambitious, details of well thought out plans.

They spoke of colleges they wanted to go to, exact courses they would take, jobs they would start to gain experience, exact plans.

They knew exactly what they wanted to do.

Did I?
 

Exhaling, I began.

"God's been working on me," I said.  "In the past I've needed to have all the details of everything I was going to do planned out.  I needed complete control over my life.  I needed to have my plans under my power.  But that wasn't good for me.  Now God's showing me that I just need to trust him.  He's calling me to mission work, but I don't know exactly what that will look like yet.  I think he's shown me some of what I'm called to do, but the for rest he's just called me to just trust him."
 

For a moment the room was silent.
 

Some in the group didn't know how they were supposed to react to my idea, but Alison, my youth leader, spoke up and encouraging me.

I smiled as she began to share some of what she's learned about trust.

 That opened the door for some of the deeper, more meaningful conversations I'd always longed to have within a small group setting.
 

I hadn't done much, but it had been hard to do in the beginning. 

But I had obeyed, and that was enough.
 

Weeks later I sat thinking and planning and, well, Pinteresting. 

As I pinned DIY ideas for homes and children's rooms, I thought and thought about my life and my future.

So many unknowns, so many possibilities.

I simply have no idea of what exactly (within missions work) I'm called to do.

My ideas go back and forth depending on my mood, but I just don't know.

 Once again I try to figure out everything in my mind, tangling myself up in the unknowns.

And then God reminded me.

Trust.

That's all I need to do now.

Trust and wait.

And I will try, it's hard, but I'll try.
 

"Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and he will strengthen

your heart." ~ Psalm 27 : 14

I Wish I Knew

I look around a room full of faces.

Faces of those more confident and graceful than me.

Faces of people who are not plagued with social insecurity.

I look around and see those faces and in my mind's eye I see my own.

A face too round.

A body too wide.

A forced, uncomfortable smile.

And a mind who's longing for someone to understand.

I scan the room and my eyes land on a girl who smiles and chats gracefully.

Who embraces her body.

Who grins naturally.

I want to talk to her, to ask her to understand.

I wish she knew.

I wish she knew how much I need a friend who cares.

I wish she knew that I'm hurting and need to talk it out.

I wish she knew that I'm too shy to ask her listen.

I wish she knew how much I want to apologize for my awkwardness.

I wish she knew how much I admire her ease around people I'm terrified of.

I wish she knew.

And then I turn and see a girl a little younger than me.
She sits silently against the wall, her eyes averted, her hands fidgeting nervously.

I slowly take a step forward and sit down next to her.
She looks curiously at me and I smile.
All of my awkwardness melts away as our eyes meet.
We start chatting and laughing, best buddies after two minutes.
As we talk I see my reflection in her eyes.
I look happy, and suddenly I wish I knew.
I wish I knew that I can be the girl who smiles and chats gracefully,
 I can be the girl who embraces her body,
the girl who grins naturally.
I can be the girl who others can talk to when they need someone to understand,
I can care,
I can be there for someone who needs to talk it out.
I can be that girl.

Weeks pass, much changes.
I no longer need to put on a brave face when going out in public.
I am becoming more and more like that girl.
That girl who smiles and chats gracefully,
that girl who embraces her body,
that girl who grins naturally,
and that girl who others can talk to.
I am now far on my way to becoming the girl God designed me to be.
And I no longer need to wish that I knew,
because I do.

The Power of Prayer - Pray with Me for the Mac Family!

I'm a work in progress, people. 

So often I think I've finally learned something and then I turn around and God's like, "Wait!  I have so much more to teach you about that!"

So I'm taught more by the master teacher.

One little glitch I have is that I'm a forgetter.  I'll memorize something for school, and then when the test is over, poof!  It's gone.

But not when God teaches me something. 

I carry the lessons he's taught with me all the time.  And right when I need them the Holy Spirit brings them to mind.

Lately God has been teaching me a lot about prayer.

I've kind of always done it, but it's been only recently that I've really seen the power of it.

And that's been incredible.

To see God work and feel like I'm a part of it is amazing!

 

And I want you all to experience that too!

In 4 days (Saturday, April 4) the Maciaszek's are leaving for China to bring home their oldest daughter, Joy.

 

 

This family is one of the best you could ever meet.

They are genuine, keep it real, love hard and follow wherever God leads. 

In only *four* days they will leave for China to meet and bring home their 13 year old daughter, Joy.

My sweet friend, Ashleigh Stem, and I are organizing people to pray for them while they're gone.

We are asking each of you to sign up for at least one 15 minute time slot and pray for them during that time.

We have a list of things to pray for for  anyone who wants to see it on the site.

Please, friends, lets step forward as the body of Christ and pray for this precious family!

 

Please sign up here: Prayer for the Mac Fam.

Thank you!!