Start NOW.

"Start right now.  
Have a burden, a desire to reach souls. 
...Be witnessing to people.  Be out there.  
Be involved in whatever ministry you can.
Try to see souls saved now...
Too often we see people who are called to a certain country, and they say "When I get to that country, I will start being a missionary."
If the Lord has called you, it's time to start right away."
- Brent George, Missionary to Romania.

It's Going to be Ok

It will, it really will. 
I still don't understand.  I still ache to hold the sweet Ugandan babies at Amani.  
I still don't get it, but it's ok somehow...
I kept thinking of the quote that says,
"When God gives you a 'no', give Him and 'thank you'.  He was
 protecting you from less than His best." 
Thinking about that yesterday made me want to scream.  It was the absolute last thing I wanted to hear.  Reading Bible verse I usually love, hurt.  To read how God has picked us to be His people, called by His name to proclaim the gospel, only made me think of how I had claimed those promises for the Uganda trip - and all that was left of that was my broken heart.  

That was yesterday.

Today I'm ready to look up again, to decide that this isn't going to break me.
The old cliche about life being 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it?  I'm beginning to realize there's some truth in that.
I want God to use this - I don't want me to hinder the Lord working this out for His glory.  
What my mom told my sobbing self yesterday, 
just has to be true.
"God must be doing something really big here.  If He wasn't, it wouldn't be hurting this badly."
Please, Lord, do something big...turn this hurt into something that can be used for you...
I don't understand...but thank you that you do.  

When I Don't Understand

Today brought some hard, hard news for me.
It's honestly hard to believe that so much could happen in a day.
I thought everything was settled... I thought I'd be boarding a plane to Uganda in 120 days... I thought that was God's will... I thought I was sure.

I just don't understand.  

Have I accepted it?  Not really.  Even now I'm trying to work something out for Uganda, refusing to let go of this dream...

Learning that I wouldn't be going to Uganda this summer felt like part of me was dying.  
Just like a death in a family, everything reminded me of my loss.
Christmas songs playing on the radio?
They remind me of baby Emmanuel I won't be meeting anytime soon.
Baby blankets in the little's closet?  
They remind me of the suitcases full of supplies that I won't be taking to Uganda.
The picture of two sweet Ugandan babies I posted on Instagram not 24 hours ago?
It reminds me of the reality that was alive then and is postponed now.  
Walking down the craft isle in Walmart?
It reminded me that I won't be needing to make a countdown to Uganda after all.  
Reading through my Bible?
Reminds me that even though I don't understand, God is in control.

Is it ok?
No, it hurts.
Is it God's will?
If it is, He'll give me the grace to accept it.

But right now, I'm so thankful for those who know me best reminding me of God's truth...
This comment from Gandy gives me so much grace to believe... Believe that God has a plan in this.
She wrote,
..."I know that God has a plan for you and only time will tell what His plan for you is... Right now you must trust His timing and accept that you must get on with your life as you grow into the woman He has in mind....His plans will become clearer as you grow and learn..."  
 Thank God for Gandy... and for Mom who knows that it's like to have formally open doors closed to you.  She told me, "Brittany, you know that when it hurts this badly, God is doing something really big behind the scenes..."
 I don't get it.  This hurts.  And all the same, I know deep down in my heart that God does have something big... right now trusting is incredibly hard, but I know that my Father loves me... and right now that's enough.   


 Christmas break is here.   For the first time in forever I'm sitting here with my family, watching a movie without stress, homework, due dates, and tests looming over my head.  
I can lay on my bed until the sun has begun to peek over the trees, and come downstairs to sunlight flooding the house.  I can hear the happy noises of little people playing in a world only they know - free from the turmoil normal school mornings bring.  
And in this perfect little world of mine, 
my heart is breaking.
I came home from school yesterday weighed down with burdens I had no idea how to express.
The needs of many raged around me, and my heart was so heavy over them.   
Hearts had been wounded so deeply that they had become calloused and cold, words were spoken from of bitter, hurting hearts to those who never should have received them.  Financial needs raged and the light had dimmed from far too many eyes.  Insecurity ran rampant - and my heart hurts to watch it.  

Opening up the book Kisses from Katie, my eyes filled with tears mere paragraphs into the forward of the book.  The FORWARD, people.  I almost never cry, and yet there I sat, eyes filling fast as I realized that I hadn't even started the actual book.  
Every time this hits me - and it happens a lot these days - my shatters into a million pieces over those who don't have the hope that holds me up every day - the hope of the Lord.

At 9:37 this morning, I told Mom how heavy my heart was.
Like she always does, she gave me the counsel I needed - life advice I've watched her live by.
She's great like that.  

These needs are Gods... He knows every single one of them, and He knows my heart.  He knows what He can and can't trust me with.  Right now, it's my job to pray over these needs and watch for the doors God opens for me to help -  
not about me jumping in and saving the world - thought I was capable of that once, but I'm not so sure now - but listening to my best friend and following where He leads.  

And even now, doors have been opened.  
And it's time...
Time to walk through.