Learning to Be Still

 

 

"So how are you, Brittany?"  I'm asked.

"I'm great!" I respond, "a little tired because I've been so busy, but busy is great!"

 

You see, I'm a doer. 

My day consists of being productive (aka working, creating, serving) eating and sleeping.

I simply love to do.

 

I'm happiest when I'm very busy "accomplishing" things.

Busy is always best, am I right?!

I sure thought so, but man was I wrong.

 

This past year has been a year of discovery for me, and the discoveries continue.

Let me back up...

There was a time where business was a form of survival.  Thankfully, that time has passed (hallelujah!).

 

But that time damaged me. 

I subconsciously trained myself to be busy with the strictness of a drill sergeant.   I found meaning in being productive, and I found life purpose in doing.

Danger alert!  Danger alert!

Hold everything and back up, this just isn't right.  It's obvious now, but at the time I wasn't even aware of the danger. 

A year and a half of constant business passed. 

During this time, I reprogramed by brain in the area of production.  I got to the point where I despised activities that I believed had no purpose. 

 

Reading is an example.  I used to love to read.  I would read all the time. Some of my favorite memories are of me sitting in bed in the wee hours of the morning transported to another world through the magic of books.

But what did that accomplish?  I would later think.  That was utterly pointless. I have wasted hours of my day sitting here doing absolutely nothing. 

So gradually I stopped reading.

Sure, I did read some.  School books, how-to books, and devotionals made up my literary diet.  All imagination erased in pure productivity. 

How disgustingly bland.

 

Reading is an example, but productivity dominated every part of my day.

So much so that it began to destroy me.

2 months ago when we went on a family trip to Florida, I became horribly depressed.  ON VACATION.

I was miserable because I had to relax and I couldn't always do.

I felt like I wasn't able to fulfill my purpose in life, I wasn't able to encourage others and I was miserable. Again, this was while I was on vacation.  yuck.

 

And then I got super scared, thinking,

"If I'm ever blessed with a really good friend (and I am now, this was back a little ways) how will I ever be able to maintain the friendship?

I despised the thought of just "hanging out", and that's what friends do.

It takes so much time of doing and just being to get to get to know someone well.

How will I ever be able to do that?"

 

I was scared silly.

There was the motivation, I had the willingness, so what was the plan?

I tried to figure it all out.  So what are the steps?  Alphabetical order, please.

Not.

 

 That's when my mom and I had a conversation about it.

"Back when everything was perfect," she said, "God didn't require Adam and Eve to work in the Garden.  He wanted them to enjoy.  He wanted them to enjoy walking with Him in the garden and simply enjoying his presence."

And that's when I clicked for me.

 

Above all else, I want to glorify God.  I nearly always have.  That is my purpose in life, that's the reason why I'm living and why he's kept me alive.

If He wants me to be still and simply walk with him, I WANT to.

 

Then God showed me why he wanted me  to just be still and enjoy.

I saw God, perfect and holy, pleased with his creation.

He had worked to create this for us.  And for me.

He wants me to look around and enjoy it, literally taking the time to stop and smell the roses.

Because that glorifies God.

That makes Him happy.

There I was, flying through life "accomplishing" things.

And there He was, wanting me to stop and enjoy Him and what he made for me.

 

And now I am going on vacation again.

I am going to enjoy living.

I am going there with willingness to stop and walk with God, willingness to be still, listen and enjoy my Father.

Yes, I will do.

I will do things that I love to do, but I am doing them because I love to do them and not to "accomplish" things.

I go to sacrifice my will to God by relaxing and enjoying.

And I have a feeling that its going to be pretty darn nice. :)

 



Taking My Own Advice

"So where do you see yourself in 5 years?  Brittany?"

I took a breath.

I was far from comfortable, but this was my time.

This was my time to face my fear of judgment and rejection,

my time to stand out from the crowd,

 to show God I was trusting him, and I was ready.

All the other girls had given wonderful, ambitious, details of well thought out plans.

They spoke of colleges they wanted to go to, exact courses they would take, jobs they would start to gain experience, exact plans.

They knew exactly what they wanted to do.

Did I?
 

Exhaling, I began.

"God's been working on me," I said.  "In the past I've needed to have all the details of everything I was going to do planned out.  I needed complete control over my life.  I needed to have my plans under my power.  But that wasn't good for me.  Now God's showing me that I just need to trust him.  He's calling me to mission work, but I don't know exactly what that will look like yet.  I think he's shown me some of what I'm called to do, but the for rest he's just called me to just trust him."
 

For a moment the room was silent.
 

Some in the group didn't know how they were supposed to react to my idea, but Alison, my youth leader, spoke up and encouraging me.

I smiled as she began to share some of what she's learned about trust.

 That opened the door for some of the deeper, more meaningful conversations I'd always longed to have within a small group setting.
 

I hadn't done much, but it had been hard to do in the beginning. 

But I had obeyed, and that was enough.
 

Weeks later I sat thinking and planning and, well, Pinteresting. 

As I pinned DIY ideas for homes and children's rooms, I thought and thought about my life and my future.

So many unknowns, so many possibilities.

I simply have no idea of what exactly (within missions work) I'm called to do.

My ideas go back and forth depending on my mood, but I just don't know.

 Once again I try to figure out everything in my mind, tangling myself up in the unknowns.

And then God reminded me.

Trust.

That's all I need to do now.

Trust and wait.

And I will try, it's hard, but I'll try.
 

"Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and he will strengthen

your heart." ~ Psalm 27 : 14