"So where do you see yourself in 5 years? Brittany?"
I took a breath.
I was far from comfortable, but this was my time.
This was my time to face my fear of judgment and rejection,
my time to stand out from the crowd,
to show God I was trusting him, and I was ready.
All the other girls had given wonderful, ambitious, details of well thought out plans.
They spoke of colleges they wanted to go to, exact courses they would take, jobs they would start to gain experience, exact plans.
They knew exactly what they wanted to do.
Exhaling, I began.
"God's been working on me," I said. "In the past I've needed to have all the details of everything I was going to do planned out. I needed complete control over my life. I needed to have my plans under my power. But that wasn't good for me. Now God's showing me that I just need to trust him. He's calling me to mission work, but I don't know exactly what that will look like yet. I think he's shown me some of what I'm called to do, but the for rest he's just called me to just trust him."
For a moment the room was silent.
Some in the group didn't know how they were supposed to react to my idea, but Alison, my youth leader, spoke up and encouraging me.
I smiled as she began to share some of what she's learned about trust.
That opened the door for some of the deeper, more meaningful conversations I'd always longed to have within a small group setting.
I hadn't done much, but it had been hard to do in the beginning.
But I had obeyed, and that was enough.
Weeks later I sat thinking and planning and, well, Pinteresting.
As I pinned DIY ideas for homes and children's rooms, I thought and thought about my life and my future.
So many unknowns, so many possibilities.
I simply have no idea of what exactly (within missions work) I'm called to do.
My ideas go back and forth depending on my mood, but I just don't know.
Once again I try to figure out everything in my mind, tangling myself up in the unknowns.
And then God reminded me.
That's all I need to do now.
Trust and wait.
And I will try, it's hard, but I'll try.
"Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and he will strengthen
your heart." ~ Psalm 27 : 14