I Wish I Knew

I look around a room full of faces.
Faces of those more confident and graceful than me.
Faces of people who are not plagued with social insecurity.
I look around and see those faces and in my mind's eye I see my own.
A face too round.
A body too wide.
A forced, uncomfortable smile.
And a mind who's longing for someone to understand.
I scan the room and my eyes land on a girl who smiles and chats gracefully.
Who embraces her body.
Who grins naturally.
I want to talk to her, to ask her to understand.
I wish she knew.
I wish she knew how much I need a friend who cares.
I wish she knew that I'm hurting and need to talk it out.
I wish she knew that I'm too shy to ask her listen.
I wish she knew how much I want to apologize for my awkwardness.
I wish she knew how much I admire her ease around people I'm terrified of.
I wish she knew.

And then I turn and see a girl a little younger than me.
She sits silently against the wall, her eyes averted, her hands fidgeting nervously.

I slowly take a step forward and sit down next to her.
She looks curiously at me and I smile.
All of my awkwardness melts away as our eyes meet.
We start chatting and laughing, best buddies after two minutes.
As we talk I see my reflection in her eyes.
I look happy, and suddenly I wish I knew.
I wish I knew that I can be the girl who smiles and chats gracefully,
 I can be the girl who embraces her body,
the girl who grins naturally.
I can be the girl who others can talk to when they need someone to understand,
I can care,
I can be there for someone who needs to talk it out.
I can be that girl.

Weeks pass, much changes.
I no longer need to put on a brave face when going out in public.
I am becoming more and more like that girl.
That girl who smiles and chats gracefully,
that girl who embraces her body,
that girl who grins naturally,
and that girl who others can talk to.
I am now far on my way to becoming the girl God designed me to be.
And I no longer need to wish that I knew,
because I do.

1 comment:

Evan said...

Raw, honest, BEAUTIFUL! You are quite the literary talent. Praying for you daily sweet girl!